Start Really Listening.
We all have a deep, innate need to feel seen and heard. However, most of us don’t know how to truly listen.
“Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.”
One of the most overlooked and under-taught attributes of empathy is how to listen. While this is not particularly surprising given the gaps present in our modern society today, it’s certainly a poignant truth worth exploring as it highlights how one of our deepest human needs is in many ways disregarded and rarely met. We all need to feel seen and heard—intellectually, emotionally and energetically—and yet, most of us have no idea how to truly listen.
Dr. Steven R. Covey beautifully captured this very dilemma in his book The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective People. Habit 5 plainly states: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” Listen more. Talk less. It seems simple enough, but it turns out that this critical skill of listening is not present in our normal patterns of engaging with others. Even further, Covey implores us to listen with our whole being so that the other person is openly heard and deeply understood. Is Covey onto something? Could empathically listening change all of our relationships for the better?
Levels of Listening: There are five levels of listening. The first four show how we are trapped in our own stories and judgments to the detriment of everyone involved. There’s no real connection being made. The fifth level transcends these patterns and opens us up to the real life experiences of others in more and more meaningful ways.
Ignoring: Ignoring is the total absence of attention. This is the lowest level of listening and it’s equally harmful to ourselves and others. We often ignore our own inner wisdom and truth, and suffer greatly as a result. We often ignore others as well, disempowering them and their stories in the process. Ignoring is the quickest way to harm any relationship.
Pretending: Pretending is the facade of listening. This is particularly hurtful to the person sharing because we act like we are present and care but are internally shut off to what they’re saying. It’s a fake connection that’s always detected by the other person. This level of listening sadly takes place frequently between significant others or spouses. We get too comfortable or complacent and take for granted the other person being vulnerable.
Selective: Selective listening only allows us to hear what we want to hear. This is a dangerous way to listen as it is often used consciously or unconsciously to confirm our own biases. This happens a lot today in our limited political discourse when two people with opposing viewpoints only listen to find weak spots in the other person’s arguments. There is no real exchange so all opportunities to work together or compromise are lost. No one benefits.
Attentive: Attentive listening gives the speaker our full attention but it only uses our intellect. Many experts estimate that over 90 percent of our communication is nonverbal. That means that when we’re only listening to words, we miss out on the deeper meaning of what’s being shared. We miss the emotion and energy underneath the sentiment. This level of listening also creates a listener that only listens with the intent to respond to what is being said.
Empathic: Empathic listening is the radical and sacred act of listening with our whole being and it’s the gateway to true compassion. All of our systems work in harmony to understand what is being said. We intellectually understand the content, but vibrationally feel the deeper, more subtle energies behind the words. This is whole listening—creating space for the speaker to share honestly and then fully embodying what is being shared without judgment or agenda.
“Rather than walking in your shoes, I need to learn how to listen to the story you tell about what it’s like in your shoes and believe you even when it doesn’t match my experiences.”
Autobiographical Responses and the Empathic Response: There are four commonly used autobiographical responses and they all infringe on the spirit of empathy. Rather than working to deeply understand where someone else is coming from, we stay attached to our own experience without any regard for the person sharing.
Advising: When we advise, we jump to fix someone else’s problem and tell them what they should or should not do based on our own prior experience. This takes the power away from the person and doesn’t provide them with the space they need to follow their own heart and intuition. This is often seen between parents and children, and it robs our youth of building critical problem-solving skills.
Evaluating: When we evaluate, we pass judgment on what the speaker says and compare their experience to our own. This devalues the speaker’s experience and often leaves them feeling worse. Example: You tell your friend that you just got a glowing quarterly review from your boss, but before you can finish sharing your friend jumps in and says, “That’s so funny, I was just promoted and received a huge bonus!” Another example: You confide in a friend that you’re not feeling like yourself and he says, “What are you talking about? You have so much cool stuff happening right now. Enjoy it!” These responses invalidate others’ outside experiences.
Probing: When we probe, we dig into every detail of someone’s story according to our own timeline and agenda rather than letting details unfold naturally. Clarifying questions might be necessary to help us understand, but grilling the person trying to share will only cause them to feel unsafe and want to hide. Parents, star this one. Probing your children makes them fearful to be open and honest.
Interpreting: When we interpret, we jump to conclusions and assume we understand and know everything. This puts the person sharing into a box and discounts the entirety of their experience. When we interpret, we also place labels where they don’t need to be, changing the deeper meaning of the story to fit our own agenda or evaluation of the circumstances.
Empathic: An empathic response shows the person sharing that we understand with both our head and our heart. Rather than autobiographically responding, we instead reflect back to the speaker two key things: 1. We intellectually understand what is being shared, and 2. We empathically understand the emotion and energy that goes along with it. Example: A friend shares that their parent has passed away suddenly and they are visibly torn up about the loss. You say, “That’s tragic news about your mother. You’re devastated to lose her.” You’ll be amazed at how deep a conversation can go when empathy is present.
Empathy is not the same as agreement. Empathy is being open to another person’s experience without evaluating it according to our own personal beliefs.
Empathy takes longer but feels better than pity. You’ll notice that this formula doesn’t include the words “I’m sorry.” That response carries no value and doesn’t open the door to deeper sharing.
Empathy needs practice. Autobiographical responses and judgments are incessant and pervasive. Be willing to break the cycle.
Our first duty in a yoga practice is to create a safe space for ourselves to empathically listen inward. When we start to feel the value of deeply understanding ourselves, it becomes easier and easier to empathically listen to and understand others. The floodgates of compassion are opened. Get on your mat this week and practice this art of listening. All of your relationships will grow and expand.
Metta,
Drewsome.
